Holls

I don’t know when I realised how much you mean to me.

Years ago, when I was small. A long time ago it seems to me.

And how funny that when we were 5 we had to live a world apart.

Seems so unlikely we’d stay close but in our story that’s just the start.

As soon as we could write and read we wrote letters from then on,

And dyslexia be damned because you replied to every one.

Over the years the fun filled letters of our teens turned to emails and FaceTime in our much mellower 20’s

Never going too long without a word however short and sweet.

Taking time to write the big catch ups that would go on for sheets and sheets.

From Big Brother to big break ups, from family to friends.

You kept me up to date with everything. Your friends have become my friends.

We used to talk of time travel, worm holes and teleportation.

We always had a hard time with the idea of “gods creation”

And if we could teleport. All the things that we could see!!

Though to be fair we mostly dreamed of sharing pots of tea!

You were the kindest and the sweetest and the most thoughtful person I know.

You were the strongest and the bravest and someone I’m glad my boys could know.

When they finally got to meet you, “The one who buys the cool toys” “Auntie Hollie who loves Minecraft” you didn’t disappoint.

Those first few hours at your mum’s Are some of the happiest I’ve known.

Knowing NOW they all understood Why for you, we HAD to go.

To be there at your wedding

To see you dress with a nervous smile

Hear you cackle during the speeches I’d have travelled many more miles

But Holls it’s only a few weeks later

And now we must be brave

Living our lives with the courage

That you showed us every day.

Your heart was just so tired It deserved a tantrum too

It had a pretty crappy run

And, my dear, so had you

So rest forever sweet Holls

I’m so glad you fought so long

Our hearts are full of memories

That will help us all go on.

I don’t know how

My world has turned upside down

and I don’t know how to right it.

A candle blown out inside my heart

And I’ve no match to light it.

There’s an all consuming anger

Yet I have no strength to fight it

A sadness and pain so intense

There can be nothing like it,

I’m sure you would have told me that

My life must still go on

I acknowledge in my heart

I can not keep this up for long

There are meals to cook,

A house to clean

And children who need cuddles

There is a man to love

A job to do,

And I’m here crying puddles

How do I say goodbye

When I have loved you for so long

I hugged you a few short weeks ago

I can’t believe that you are gone

Though there is a grief inside my heart

I have no will to smite it

It reminds me how much I loved you

It would be so wrong to hide it

Mid-Mummy Meltdown

When you have a newborn, you spend weeks or months spending a lot of time at home. You’re tired but you’re learning about yourself and about your baby all the time and the months fly by.

As your baby grows up. You make friends with babies the same age. You get out and socialise. Coffee and Cake watching your babies learn to roll over, talk, share, climb playgrounds as they grown up. 

Life has a routine, food shopping on monday, swimming lessons on tuesday, mothers group on wednesday, daycare on thursday, other girlfriends on friday etc. There is quality time with the kids, time spent out as a family, time spent out with others and their kids. 

When you and your friends have more babies they all fit into that routine more or less. There’s probably a little bit more, home by lunch so the bub can have a nap, but otherwise life is grand. Everything is good with the universe…

Then before you know it. You’re half way through their forth year. This two day a week Kindy thing is nice but all of a sudden you’re looking to next year and you won’t see your baby 5 days a week. Your other child or children, in my case a 16 month old boy, won’t see his big brother 5 days a week!  Friends are heading back to work after enjoying 4 years at home and it dawns on you that life is about to change in a BIG way.

This is the reason for my ‘mid-mummy’ meltdown. I feel like my role as mother is being challenged. Jayden is learning all sorts of things now that I haven’t taught him. He doesn’t need me as much, and delights in telling me. “I don’t need your help for this Mum, I can do it myself”  I relish his new found independence I do… but I am realising that from now on his need for me is only going to lessen. He’s going to go to school 5 days a week next year, fill his brain and become a ‘real school boy’ and there’s nothing I can do about it.

So I’m holding on to the next 6 months with both hands. Enjoying the chatter and even the arguments between my babies playing together, because next year there’s going to be a lot less of it. Trying to get my business venture off the ground so that I can be sure of staying at home to raise Taj. Sure of doing the school drop off and pick up and still have some money.

I know that this next phase of our life is going to be great as well, just really truly different, and I never was much good at dealing with change!Image

 

 

Lost in my head

Feeling decidedly up and down
My life feels full to the brim
Yet empty of something

On top of the world at one minute
lost in my own thoughts and dwelling where
thoughts should feel no need to dwell.

Feeling grateful and thankful for my lot
Then guilty and saddened that it doesn’t always feel enough

What a funny thing is life
When teeth can reach to the depth of your heart
Tear you apart
With no root to trace you back

When a tear running down your face
Feels like a disgrace
How dare you cry
What right have I?

When a twinkle in a loved ones eye
Sets your heart alight
You might take flight
If they weren’t there to anchor you.

Whether I’m lost
Or right at home
My emotions have a tendency to roam
And leave me questioning my place
In space
In this atmosphere
Do I belong here?

There’s things I love
I can’t get enough
Of cuddles,
of tea,
of cake.
Of these things with friends I could indulge all day
And I might never cope if you took one away
But there are more than just those few

I love text messages out of blue
that make you smile
Someone’s thinking of you.

I love group hugs with my boys and my man
One strong unit I hold in my hands

I love waking-up cuddles from my baby boys
Rubbing their eyes, still warm from bed
Watching dreams slip out of their head

I love high school memories of my best friend
Of a simpler life that didn’t feel simple then

Of a lazy day
When there’s not much to do
But someone would love to do “not much” with you.

I love a good book and a nice warm bed
I won’t lie down, just one more chapter instead

A great recipe that everyone loves
Serving it up
Hearing a hush.

Showing off my kids and feeling the pride
Swelling up from deep down inside
I made them, they have grown from me
And already they are more amazing than I ever dreamt they’d be.

So isn’t it funny with so much to love
that there’s a tiny spot that feels so blue
Frowning and disapproving of things I do.
I will fish you out one day
This malignant thing that wont go away
I will stop listening to those who bring me down
I will love what I love and put my foot down
But until then I’ll have to just be
The up and down head case
That is
Me

Words are my friend….

I’ve been thinking lately (dangerous I know) about how often I use “text” to communicate with people in my life.

I have a very dear friend in Queensland who I only speak to via Facebook or text or email, but we “speak” just about every day.

My Mum who I can’t see every day but who I will endeavour to beat in at least one game of W.E.L.D.E.R wars if it kills me!
My cousins and other UK family are all just an email away
My best friend on holiday at the moment but at least I can still feel connected to her with 5 minutes of typed conversation each day.

But how real is it all?

Since it’s text you can confide in each other more freely than face to face when you might feel embarrassed or intimidated whichever the scenario. In a text there is no one to interrupt you when you are making a fool of yourself, you can’t cough to cover up a silly comment or cheeky one liner that seems inappropriate the second you press that enter key. It’s there to stay baby like it or not!!!

For all those above people it’s fine, but I SHOULD call my other best friend more often. We’re in the same time zone for god sake! And saying hi via text once a week is great (at least we’re keeping in contact) but if we were chatting I KNOW we would have a lot more to say to each other.

I SHOULD call my mum more because texting things like “haha good word Mum” in words with friends does not conversation make!

And don’t even get me started on the people who I only interact with by reading each others Facebook statuses!!!

I have people in my life, let’s call them acquaintances because I don’t have many friends (you’ll see why in a second) who I liked very much in life (you know that thing where you look each other in the eye and speak about, mundane things like work, and the weekend) but now that I see their miserable Facebook statuses day in and day out I just don’t like them much anymore…. (I should have had a spoiler alert. If you don’t already know…I can be a bit of a bitch….)
Don’t get me wrong. Whinge a bit when you’re having a rough night with the kids (I do – I assure you) or if your boyfriends being a pain or if you’ve got a headache even…. But just try to avoid consecutive nights of utter negativity!! Words are communication and you are communicating to me that there is nothing positive in your life to mention on these 10 consecutive days and surely that can’t be true. Its just that that’s how you are looking at it Facebooker, shake it up a bit and throw a “I love…” or a “I’m thankful for” in there every now and then.

Im all for technology and electronic communication but I feel like its gotten in the way of things. All too often I’m flicking off that text message without ever considering having a phone conservation.
I was shocked while gossiping at Kindy gym like a pair of 50 year old housewives with my BFF, the instructor came out commented while looking around that EVERY other parent is on their iPhone in their own world. What’s wrong with talking? Making new friends? Talking about the weather even!

I guess what I’m thinking in my round-about way is that I love being able to talk to all of those people while I can’t be with them, but it doesn’t substitute for having them there. And I would give up all my gadgets in a flash if I could have a cuppa and a cuddle with any one of them right now.

Words are our friend … But be careful of the TEXT.

Down the rabbit hole

Gosh I never realised how much my newest obsession would take over my life!!
If I’m not baking or decorating cakes, I’m researching techniques, watching YouTube tutorials, flicking through endless Facebook pages of fantastic out of this world cakes, testing recipes and yes … More than a little eating cake too!!

I feel like I’m falling down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland and discovering this amazing world I never new existed.

There are times I doubt my abilities, usually half way through a cake when I remember that no one has taught me anything and I’m really just making it up as I go along, but boy is that a fun thing to do!

I’ve made some lovely “cake friends” been inspired on infinite levels, but I think the thing that’s made the biggest impact on me…. Is that when I finish a cake, I look at it and think “I made that” and I am CHUFFED!! I haven’t felt like I was good at anything since … Who knows?

I love my life and my kids, but having a little mini achievement in cake form every now and then has been good for my confidence and good for my soul! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still done those 6 loads of washing, emptied and stacked the dishwasher an obscene amount of times and cooked meals too but in between all that I’ve made something to be proud of and that’s rather cool.

So here’s a few of my latest cakes. As I fall deeper down the Rabbit Hole.

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Are my devices dictating my days?

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It’s nearly 10 at night, my boys have been interrupting my sleep most nights lately and I’m tired…. But I’m also trying to sort something through in my head and I’ve found this to be a really good way of doing that… So here goes.

Today I spent 3 hours at a shopping centre.

My 4 year old was at Kindy today, and my friend and I decided to do the grocery shop in tandem. 2 grown ups, 2 kids, possibly easier than each doing our own separately. Definitely more fun.

As often happens with us, we got distracted. Shopped a lot, spoiled our kids, had a cup of tea and shared a muffin, and finally got around to food shopping while causing the average shopper to look over at us and frown..”why are these two grown woman laughing and having such a good time at Coles?”
Which we thought was quite hilarious but I’ve been thinking about it all day….

Why?

Well, today I went grocery shopping, spent time with a friend, and my baby and had a great time. Nothing too crazy about it…. So why isn’t every day like that?

My name is Tanya and I AM AN ADDICT

Not a substance, not alcohol or even smokes…. Im a technology junkie….
It must stop.

Today I was in the moment. Even though I did get a bit frustrated as the hours (did I mention it took 3.) ticked by. That was only because I knew poor Taj was going to be lucky to catch an hours sleep. Mostly I was just happy to be there, at that time, with those three people.

Stay with me….

When I’m at home, it can be quite different. I must admit my devices are my go to thing, when I’m frustrated with the kids, I pick up my phone and txt a friend. Could it wait until I next see them for coffee and a chat? Absolutely. Does it? No….

When the kids are having lunch (yes I’m ashamed of this one ) I more often than not, grab my 5 minutes quiet time with a cup of tea and my iPad. I play a game of words with friends or draw something, I catch up on some adult goss and ogle some inspirational cakes on facebook and then get back to the mummy and housewifery and cake making jobs I have to get to.

Am I saying I’m a bad Mum? No I’m not. I still feel confident that I am a good mum to my boys. Am I as good a mum as I can be? No. Am I a present Mum…. Not all the time no… And thats where things are going to change.

My husband and I were in the lounge room the other day. Our 1 year old was up past his bedtime (again) and I was waiting for him to burn out before giving him a breastfeed (yes… Still… But thats a whole other blog) and try him back in bed. So it’s 8 o’clock or later… I’m playing scramble with friends on my iPad. And Mr T is throwing a balloon around the room. Am I paying him attention… No not really (8 o’clock, surely that’s me time right?) and Taj walks up and hits me square in the face with a balloon. And my husband says “yeah I agree Taj, your little brother iPad is getting more attention than you tonight. ”

I HATE to admit this. But he was (a little bit) right. Sure it was late and I was tired and frustrated, but does that give me the right to not be present? How many funny things do I miss my 1 year old do, how many conversations have not been had with my 4 year old, or have I missed hearing him have with his brother (or a batman action figure for that matter) or not had with my husband (only during ad breaks of course)

If being present makes grocery shopping fun, does it make cleaning the toy room fun? Am I going to get all spoon full of sugar happy with the kids in the morning when I’ve packed my phone, iPod and iPad away?

I’m not saying I never spend time with the kids. I do. Lots of it, we still make things, and cook together, jump outside, play cubby houses, but maybe we don’t do that enough, maybe those times when I sneak off for a cuppa and ”my fix’ something really magic would have happened with the 3 of us and I missed it. MAYBE and heres the kicker, maybe, I can be the person that makes people frown and say “why is that grown woman having so much fun” all the time. Because life is pretty fun, and having friends, and kids and (most the time) a husband is pretty great, and if we weren’t rushing around trying to get things done, or trying to get “me time” or whatever other reasons we have for not being entirely present with those who we love the most, we’d find that
THIS MOMENT, RIGHT HERE, WITH THESE PEOPLE IS ALL THAT MATTERS…

Sometimes it’s hard to judge ourselves as mothers. It’s a tough gig and sometimes you take whatever help you can get. I have a friend in qld who I really only talk to on my devices. Our friendship would not exist now without reconnecting on Facebook and chatting on words with friends and realising we have similar values and beliefs. There were days when I was getting used to being a mother of two where those conversations were a lifeline.
Now, though, the devices have become a lifeline… And I’m not evening sinking.
I have some really good stuff going on at the moment. My life is good, My kid are fantastic and I want to be present for them.

So it’s time to ease up on the technology…. Less iPad and iPod and More I paint, I play-doh, I play and I pretend.

Im not saying my devices are evil… Maybe just that excessive consumption may be harmful to your health.

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