Brave

This year hasn’t been a great year for Our family.

My grandfather passed away in February. He was too young and too far away to properly say goodbye.

My pregnancy with Taj was exhausting. His labour was a very difficult, very quick 2 hours in which he nearly died. I struggled a bit with a few postpartum things and the first three months after he came home was a test to our little family.

Then a few months ago my three year old son got very sick over night. He was in the bath and told me he had a sore tummy. Within a few hours he was vomiting. The next morning he was lethargic, feverish and completely different to my normal happy boy.

It took us 3 emergency room visits over three days to have him properly diagnosed. By which time he had a perforated gangrenous appendix.

He was incredible.

When we were at home with him and I was worried I would say. “Are you ok Jayden?” and he would say “yeah, I’m ok.” In between grunts of pain. He didn’t scream, or cry really. Just waited for Mum and Dad to fix him. He was so amazingly brave.

After his surgery he reacted badly to morphine, he had trouble passing the wind remaining in his stomach from the operation and was in a lot of pain. His stomach was distended and must have been so uncomfortable.

I felt completely useless. All I could do was hold him as gently as possible, and show him as much love as I could. Saying over and over. “You’re so brave Jay. I’m so proud of you. You’re so brave.”

I struggled leaving him with his Dad in Hospital each night, but with a 4 month old baby that was the only option.
I felt like I wasn’t giving him what I needed to give him as a mother. I was frustrated at not being there to look after him and give him all the cuddles in the world.

Somehow my role as nurturer was being taken away.

Now Jayden is fully recovered. Even though his Dad and I will never forget what we went through, hopefully Jayden will.

Today he was lying on the floor with his baby brother. Jayden was tickling him and Taj was laughing. They were looking at each other with eyes that express every ounce of love that they have for each other.

Jayden suddenly and with great emotion grabbed Taj, cuddled him and very quietly I heard him whisper. “Taj, you’re so Brave.”

Now. I know that is not the right context for this sentence. However it’s the right sentence for that emotion. It communicates that feeling for him of being overwhelmed with love. Like I was at the thought of losing him.

I won’t beat myself up anymore at not being able to be there for Jayden. Maybe I wasn’t there physically as much as I would have liked to be. But emotionally I seem to have hit the mark.

So instead of struggling with the year we’ve had and the things that have been taken from us. I’ll take a leaf out of my boys’ book and just be Brave.

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