6 days overdue
I can’t believe the contractions are real
Start the timer
Grab Jay’s bag
Pack some snacks
Another one so soon?
Pack a drink bottle
Call – “can Jayden stay with you?”
I think this is it and ….
Oh god another one??
It’s going to happen fast!!
Call – midwives I’m coming in
be there in 20 minutes.
Timer says 2.5 minutes…
Definitely too fast
In the car
“Jay going to play with Mica?”
Here’s the bag
“Mummy and daddy are going to the Hospital to get the baby ok?”
But we pull away and I hear him crying
“I want to come with you!”
We can’t stop
Every two minutes, so fast, there’s no time!
The drive takes forever
Pain getting stronger
Definitely too fast
I’m feeling scared and anxious and excited and …. worried
Drop me off at the door then park the car
I’ll meet you upstairs
The midwife says
We’re getting your notes ready … We’ll just make a bed up in observation …
I’m thinking – oh god!
I called half an hour ago, please be on your game today – I need you.
Lie on the bed, blood pressure, heartbeat,
Stay there and we’ll monitor you for a bit.
I need to walk
Two minutes oh my god!
Text – Jay’s ok, watching Mickey mouse.
Where the hell is my midwife?
Recharge phone credit – I need to be able to call mum.
Off the monitor, 4 cms dilated…
What did you think I was kidding?
We have to get a birth suite ready and finish your notes.
Oh god! You’re off your game today.
Trying to move through the pain
Next to a bed with 2 meters to move!
Jon it’s too fast … 2 minutes!
Such a big room really
We feel lost in the middle on the bed
Can I have a bath?
Jon’s on it
God it hurts!
You need to try and go to the toilet first
I think my waters broke
It was thicker…
Probably just your show – have a bath
My waters break
My heart is lead in my chest
I know this is bad, I read it somewhere
My waters are brown
Is that bad? I ask
It is for you love…
You need to be monitored
Quick shower than back on the bed
Still every 2 minutes
I can barely stand
I can barely think
I can’t stay sat on that bed
I need to keep moving..
I need an epidural
Out of the shower
I can’t get on the bed
The pains are too close
I can’t even catch my breath
I need gas now
I need an epidural
We’ll put a drip in first
Anesthesiologist is due in 15 minutes
I think – that won’t be enough time
6 cm dilated
Breathing the gas and air
Rattle rattle rattle
Baby doctor is here because of the brown water
Rattle rattle rattle
I need this to stop
I can’t handle this pain
“Jon I really want the epidural”
“He’s coming babe”
Breathe through the contractions
They’re so close
I barely take the gas out of my mouth and then I need it again
Everything is a bit fuzzy
Where’s my goddamn epidural???
Something about numbers dropping
There’s someone else
In the doorway I think
“Have you thought about a stop?”
What’s a stop – I think
I have good contact – the midwife says
So fuzzy … I don’t understand
It feels tense
Jon’s hand in my hand
I haven’t opened my eyes in a while now
The gas is helping but the pain still makes me writhe on the bed
The epidural isn’t going to be here in time – I know it
This makes me scared
I’m not sure I can do this
There’s a doctor at the end of the bed
They’re attaching something to babies head to monitor his heart
A stop? Fuzzy
Epidural? No one answers me
There’s lots of noise now and there are 3 doctors here and lots of nurses
They are stressed
Something is wrong with the babies heart rate
Jon’s forehead is against mine
he says it’s ok.
I can tell
Rattle rattle fuzzy fuzzy
Someone pushes me on my side
They are pulling at my nightie
They are rolling something up my leg
God I’m so scared
Caesarean section someone says
Jon is saying – whatever you have to do – he sounds so frightened
They’re putting a gown on me
The doctor has something inside of me
She says something about breaking some more membranes and it is agony
They have stopped pulling me now
Now they are shouting at me
If you feel the need to push you must push
Where’s my gas?
They’ve taken it and my fuzzy starts to leave me and the pain is back and I’m frightened,
There are so many people
I hate this woman in between my legs
Can’t she see she’s hurting me?
I try to push my legs off the stirrups
She’s shouting at me and now someone is holding my legs
Oh god I’m pushing and I’m screaming and everything is on fire
Jon’s head on mine – you have to push
Catch your breath and then push
I hear the word suction I feel like the world is behind a veil
I’m pushing and I’m screaming and there is more pain than I’ve ever imagined
The head is out
I feel a little less pressure
But no less tension
Jon’s head is still on mine
He’s gripping my hand and telling me to push
I feel like my child has been ripped from my body
He’s no longer attached to me
No longer a part of me
And god there’s so much tension
I open my eyes
There is a nurse on my other side and she’s talking to me I think
I look at her and say
is my baby ok?
She looks at the 2 doctors backs working over a table that has my infant son on it and she does not answer
I have died inside
They are pulling at my placenta
My son …
There is a scream,
my little boy
There is a release of tension now
I feel Jon go to him
I feel the doctor stitching me
She says she normally would have numbed me before cutting but there was no time
A nurse is telling me that she knows it was scary but it all had to be done
There was no time
Jon is cutting the cord
I tell a nurse there is a camera in the bag
I try to breathe
I try to relax
This woman is still hurting me
I’m in so much pain
I feel deflated and invaded …
I find my gas and get my fuzzy back
I’m not ready for this yet
I’m going to stay in the fuzzy place for a while
It feels like a long time
But maybe only minutes
They give me my baby
They take my fuzzy
I’m not sure I’m happy with this trade right now
My little Taj
He is beautiful
But that was all too much
I want to cry
I want to be hysterical
I look around and realize the room is empty
Just Jon, Taj , the midwife and me
All that chaos has dissipated
I have my son
He is breathing
The fuzzy is completely gone now
I don’t stop crying for a long time.