Lost in my head

Feeling decidedly up and down
My life feels full to the brim
Yet empty of something

On top of the world at one minute
lost in my own thoughts and dwelling where
thoughts should feel no need to dwell.

Feeling grateful and thankful for my lot
Then guilty and saddened that it doesn’t always feel enough

What a funny thing is life
When teeth can reach to the depth of your heart
Tear you apart
With no root to trace you back

When a tear running down your face
Feels like a disgrace
How dare you cry
What right have I?

When a twinkle in a loved ones eye
Sets your heart alight
You might take flight
If they weren’t there to anchor you.

Whether I’m lost
Or right at home
My emotions have a tendency to roam
And leave me questioning my place
In space
In this atmosphere
Do I belong here?

There’s things I love
I can’t get enough
Of cuddles,
of tea,
of cake.
Of these things with friends I could indulge all day
And I might never cope if you took one away
But there are more than just those few

I love text messages out of blue
that make you smile
Someone’s thinking of you.

I love group hugs with my boys and my man
One strong unit I hold in my hands

I love waking-up cuddles from my baby boys
Rubbing their eyes, still warm from bed
Watching dreams slip out of their head

I love high school memories of my best friend
Of a simpler life that didn’t feel simple then

Of a lazy day
When there’s not much to do
But someone would love to do “not much” with you.

I love a good book and a nice warm bed
I won’t lie down, just one more chapter instead

A great recipe that everyone loves
Serving it up
Hearing a hush.

Showing off my kids and feeling the pride
Swelling up from deep down inside
I made them, they have grown from me
And already they are more amazing than I ever dreamt they’d be.

So isn’t it funny with so much to love
that there’s a tiny spot that feels so blue
Frowning and disapproving of things I do.
I will fish you out one day
This malignant thing that wont go away
I will stop listening to those who bring me down
I will love what I love and put my foot down
But until then I’ll have to just be
The up and down head case
That is